One Hell of a Day

I had one hell of a day today.

I won’t say that it was an unusual day. I won’t say that it was an interesting day

Today was just one of those days. One of those days when I wish I just didn’t exist. Not because I don’t want to live, no…nothing like that, but because I woke up this morning with a feeling of utter emptiness deep inside. Not just emptiness, but a feeling of complete nothing…an unexplainable nothing. I say unexplainable because there was no reason for this feeling. Nothing happened to cause it.

An unexplainable emptiness is so much worse than one that I can pinpoint the reason for. I think it is worse because, along with the anxiety of dealing with a strong feeling of depression, the anxiety is tenfold when the anxiety of depression is accompanied by the bewilderment of having no explanation for those feelings.

I don’t know how to explain it, but that’s how I’ve felt today. I wish I didn’t get out of bed this morning. I did not want to go outside the door for anything. I’ve been trying to concentrate on all types of things today, to get my mind in a happy place. However, no matter what I was doing, I felt nothing….no interest in anything. Just one big emptiness that encompassed everything. Even music gave me no feeling today. Reading, music, video games, various internet shit, talking to friends, tv…..everything just felt empty, and not just empty, I’ve felt horrible all day today. I don’t even feel anything while writing this. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve had absolutely no desire for anything today, and on top of all that I have experienced a feeling of utter depression.

Emptiness sucks, his is a horrible way to feel……I sure hope I don’t feel this way tomorrow. I need the desire to get out of bed and actually do something tomorrow. I actually have at least 2 things that I HAVE to do tomorrow.

I don’t know what else to say. I’ve had this unexplainable feeling of depression and emptiness today, so I thought that I’d write about it. Maybe telling you guys about it will help, maybe not, but I’d do anything to get rid of this feeling.

Anyways, It’s gonna be 2am soon and whether I want to or not, I have to get up and do a couple things tomorrow. So, I guess that I’ll end this. Maybe some sleep will do me some good.

Goodnight……

Good News for America......

For those of you that may not stay up on census type news. Last week a survey was published that studied religion in America, and the survey showed that "nones"—people claiming no religion—constitute the only "religious" tradition that's growing in all 50 states". This survey, called the "American Religious Identification Survey" was conducted by the Program on Public Values at Trinity College—pays special attention to the growing ranks of American "nones." From the press release:

The percentage of Americans claiming no religion, which jumped from 8.2 in 1990 to 14.2 in 2001, has now increased to 15 percent. Given the estimated growth of the American adult population since the last census from 207 million to 228 million, that reflects an additional 4.7 million "Nones." Northern New England has now taken over from the Pacific Northwest as the least religious section of the country, with Vermont, at 34 percent "Nones," leading all other states by a full 9 points.

"Many people thought our 2001 finding was an anomaly," [Ariela] Keysar said. We now know it wasn't. The 'Nones' are the only group to have grown in every state of the Union."

Now, I don't know about you, but I am happy to hear this kind of news because what it tells me is that more and more Americans are thinking rationally, instead of through the filter of superstition, when they make their decisions in everything from their personal life to their voting agendas.
It is my belief that once we can become a more secular society, we can be closer to being a truly free society instead of allowing our ideology and belief in something like a book that we think was written by an all knowing man in the sky who, if he had his way, would have you stone your own children just because they talk back to you and treat women as your property (among many other inhumane actions that the "bible" instructs).
So, all I can say is...good for you America. And, I hope that Barack Obama will be able to get his plans to push more advancement in science and research going in full speed as soon as possible. After our country's advancements in science and technology have been pushed into virtual non-existence in the previous eight years of the Bush Presidency.
The only thing to think about is the fact that, although this large and steady growth of a very secular society in America is a good thing and a triumph for reason and logical, peaceful thinking in this country, there is also a sector of the far right, evangelical crowd in America that is feeling it's hold on this country slipping away. This is causing a gap in the middle to grow between non-religious and extremely-religious, which is causing a rather large culture clash to grow between the two sides. Furthermore, in my own opinion, it seems that the religious evangelical side is one that will respond with much more brutality in it's fight (they will see this growing rift as a fight, or battle, and that it is their duty to win this imaginary battle for their invisible friend in the sky by whatever means necessary). Just look at the battle that the Mormons and other powerful religions waged in California to put a stop to the laws allowing homosexual individuals to get married, as an example of how they will go nuts over limiting anyone's personal freedoms just because they think that their invisible friend doesn't like it.
Well, I've gotten off point. Initially I read this article, and just felt that it had some really good news for those of us who are tired of so much religious dogma controlling the decisions of many of the ruling powers in this country. I just hope that this trend of rational thinking continues.......

My Poor Knee :-(

Damn it! It's spring break, I was planning to work as many hours as I can this week, and whaddyaknow...I hurt my knee last night at work. Now I can't even walk on it :-(
It seemed almost like a freak accident too...I was at work...and, for those of you who don't know, I've been working at Pizza Hut for the last three weeks. I live three blocks from the Texas A&M University campus, so I ride my bike to my classes everyday (it's a HUGE campus, but the bike riding every day is also good exercise). And Pizza Hut is only a block and a half from my house, so I can walk to work. That's why I took the job, it's only $8/hour, but not having to put gas in my truck is very nice.
Well, anyway...I was on my knees getting a stack of pizzas from a cabinet at floor level and, as I was standing up with the stack of pizzas in hand, I felt an instant, horrible pain in my knee (kind of like an icepick got jammed right to the center of the joint). When I got up I discovered that I couldn't straighten out my leg without horrible pain, and putting any weight on my heel was impossible (felt like the icepick in my knee when I tried).
I went to the ER, and the doctor (after looking at x-rays) told me that the bones were ok, and I probably chipped, or injured, the cartlidge in some way....I'd like to claim workman's comp. for the injury, but I really need the job and my bosses would be pissed and make my life at work there hell if I did that. So, I don't think that I'll go to the Occupational Health Clinic that the ER doctor sent me too (I can't afford that, much less the ER bills from last night, which are already going to just be more unpaid medical bills on my credit record). I'm just gonna take off of work for this week, take the pain pills that the ER Doc prescribed me to rest, and hope that it heals up enough to work with a brace on it next week.

Ha ha ha, it's funny...with all the other shit that has happened to my life recently, this is all that I needed....Oh well, life will go on, and I'll eventually get over this too.

What do you guys think? Do any of my blog readers out there think that I'm doing the wrong thing???

I Can't Sleep.....

I can't sleep.....I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Don't you hate that? So much on the ol' mind. Wish I could stop my brain when I wanted to.....unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
I wish I could sleep....even bad dreams are better than this. I want to sleep, but I lay there for hours with my eyes closed and the sleep never comes...just wheels spinning in my head, focusing on anything and everything...I dunno, maybe I am keeping the wheels in my head bouncing around on anything and everything just to keep them from spinning on certain things. Maybe I know that if the wheels in my head spin on the wrong things, that they will leave tracks, ruts that I will have to continue to deal with when I wake up. Ruts that will rob me of any worthwhile rest while I sleep. Maybe that's what I'm doing and I don't even realize it.
That brings to mind the basic concepts that Freud started, the Id Constantly bubbling under the surface of the Ego, but the Superego keeping it all in check. Id, those subconscious desires and instincts that we sometimes can't even decipher ourselves, with our own rational thought. It fools us sometimes, fools us into thinking that our rational mind is in control.
In fact, in simpler terms, our rational, thinking, mind can be a bit conceited and self righteous sometimes, always thinking that it is in control and making the decisions....Truth is that when we don't want to face ourselves (something that even our rational mind does not want to admit), we sometimes go into "autopilot". It's sort of the time when you say "I give up, I don't want to deal with it for a while", and your brain goes into safe mode (and, at times, even defense mode). Then, once you get into that zone, it's hard to even realize that you are there, and even harder to get out.
The problem is, that we can't always control where that zone takes us (sort of like running through the forrest with your eyes closed because you don't want to see the dangerous creatures, all the while you forget that you may hit a tree at any moment). Sometimes, it will protect us, keep us safe, until we can experience happier times once again. Sometimes it can lead us into deep depression (which is dangerous, because it will fuel your desire to keep running on "autopilot", so you don't have to feel the pain, but at the same time it leads you further and further down the hole). And then, there are other times where we eventually open our eyes and realize that we never moved, that we are still exactly where we started when we started ignoring our mind, and even worse, we've wasted a LOT of time with our proverbial "eyes closed". And then, there are sometimes (the worst case senario, which is more rare) where we are so scared of what we might find if we open our eyes, that we never come out of our "autopilot", that is when, one day when you are old and grey, you realize that you wasted and ruined your life by poisoning it with indifference and numbness, and by then everyone and everything that you wish you would have cared about is gone. And you are left with ultimate regret, ultimate sadness, and THAT is something that no one should have to go through.

I guess that it is all contingent upon how aware we can be of our own thoughts and feelings...the more that we are aware of them, the more that we understand and study them with a critical eye, the more that we can see our minds and individual thoughts as tools and machines that we can control.
Our own emotions don't have to hit us like a ton of bricks, or as a wave from the sea, with us just along for the ride. The more self aware that we can become of exactly what our thoughts and emotions are doing (and not just how they are making us feel), and how we are alowing ourselves to percieve them, the more in control of our own response to those thoughts and emotions we can become. That is the key, it would seem. Most of the time we take our thoughts and emotions for granted, as if they are a seperate entity that we just have to live with. But, in reality, we create (and percieve them the way that we want to) every thought and emotion that seemingly passes through our head. And, respectively, we should have the ability to cognitively shape our perceptions, as well as the emotions themselves, into any form that we want to.
The thing is that, we don't perforn this cognitive feat of self control and perception. It is more of a skill that must be learned and perfected, sometimes on our own, sometimes with the guidance of a counselor or professional. But it is all based on guided self examination of those very thoughts and feelings that scare us so damn much sometimes, and can hurt us horribly if we let them.


Hey, whadaya know...it looks like I gave myself something to think about that I might be able to get to sleep on....it's 5am, and I have to be up at 9am (and I've only been getting 2 - 4 hours of sleep a night all week), so I better try again to get some sleep.